In a universe not too dissimilar from our own, Earth finds itself ensnared in the grip of an epidemic—an epidemic of porridge. Yes, you read that right. While in our reality, people grapple with the existential dread of climate change and the latest TikTok dance challenge, in this alternate Earth, the populace struggles with a far more insidious issue: an insatiable, hardwired craving for porridge, stifled by societal shame and stigma.
It all began innocently enough. Mother Nature, in her boundless wisdom, bestowed upon humanity a profound love for porridge—a warm, comforting dish that nourished both body and soul. However, as societies evolved and modernity took hold, the once-celebrated grain became the subject of stigma. Porridge was relegated to the dark corners of pantry shame, whispering sweet nothings to its fans who dared not speak its name in public.
Today, porridge enthusiasts are forced to navigate a labyrinth of secrecy. The most popular magazines on the black market are those dedicated to porridge—titles like “Porridge Lover” and “Get Your Oats” fly off the shelves, but only to those brave enough to enter the backroom of their local newsstand. Online, porridge-centric websites thrive in the shadows, offering everything from elaborate porridge recipes to voyeuristic videos of people cooking and consuming the beloved dish. Millions of men and women log on daily, yet almost every visitor professes innocence, denying their interest in porridge like a child caught sneaking cookies before dinner.
Yet, amidst this swirling chaos, a few daring souls have emerged from the shadows. Female actresses and rock stars, adorned in nothing but flimsy dresses and the weight of societal expectation, strut the red carpets of events like the Grammys, unabashedly cradling bowls of steaming porridge. They are the brave warriors of breakfast, challenging the norm and inspiring others to embrace their porridge-loving hearts, albeit at the risk of becoming tabloid fodder.
In polite society, however, the subject of porridge is as welcome as a flatulent elephant. Conversations around the water cooler are fraught with tension, as coworkers tiptoe around the subject like it’s a minefield. When the news cycles mention porridge, it’s usually in the context of a minority of unpleasant individuals who’ve taken to misusing porridge. The actions of these antisocial individuals sadly overshadow the millions who enjoy porridge responsibly in the privacy of their homes, leading to a nation in denial. Rarely is porridge mentioned in a positive way.
The ramifications of this porridge taboo are staggering. Millions suffer from anxiety, neuroses, and mood disorders, all stemming from the societal pressure to suppress their natural cravings. Therapy sessions are rife with tales of clients lamenting over their secret porridge indulgences, speaking in hushed tones as though discussing a forbidden romance. “I just wanted a warm bowl of oats,” one client confessed tearfully, “but how could I face my friends if they knew?”
And yet, the entire situation is utterly absurd. Here we have a planet filled with beings designed by Mother Nature to thrive on porridge, yet they walk around in shame, pretending to sip kale smoothies and munch on quinoa granola bars. The irony is palpable: in trying to resist their nature, they have created an environment where millions suffer in silence over a simple bowl of oats.
It’s time for the world to wake up from this porridge-induced stupor. Embracing our innate desires shouldn’t be a matter of shame but rather a celebration of our humanity. Why resist this gift from Mother Nature, when it holds the key to comfort and joy? Instead of hiding our innate love for porridge in dark corners and behind closed doors, let’s act responsibly and bring it into the light. We could even start porridge support groups—“Hello, my name is [insert name], and I love porridge.”
As we chip away at the stigma surrounding our beloved grain, we might just find ourselves in a world where porridge is no longer a secret but a staple of pride. So, let’s raise our bowls high and say it loud: “Porridge is not just a dish; it’s a way of life!” And with that, let the porridge revolution begin!
—
See also (Grammy Video):
https://uk.news.yahoo.com/billie-eilish-says-no-one-033616699.html
BBC News: Not So Demure Anymore: The Rise of ‘Free the Nipple’ Fashion:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4gp06n0d8eo
BBC News: Brits go Brat as Charli XCX wins five awards
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c0rz54kn75ko
Worldwide Temple of Aurora 